If there’s one thing I learned when quarantine started, it’s that in just a blink of an eye, everything can be taken away from you and you can’t do anything about it. It has taken away my freedom, that’s for sure. Ever since, I have been deprived of the outside world. A choice I used to only have, now the ONLY choice I have.
Emotionally speaking, I haven’t been in my best state since March. With the virus spreading, government being a dumb bitch, work set-up changing, and my relationship suffering (which I only found out about this month), this is the most difficult I’ve felt in so long. I got dumped. I may not be an emotional mess now, but I’ve grieved and mourned a half-decade partnership with the one I considered my bestest friend. It sucks whenever I think about it and it sucks even more when I feel sad. I don’t like being sad, nobody does. Reminiscing the good times doesn’t help — it makes it even worse. I don’t want to remember it anymore, but it’s part of the process. Looking back and remembering — wishing it were still there, wishing it never ended. Things are meant to happen whether we like it or not, but not like this, not in this pandemic, where I’m limited and restricted, it freaking sucks!
Quite frankly, I never expected it to happen at this time but it’s okay. It’s okay to go through a break-up in this pandemic, as long as you know how to keep your head up, how to take care of yourself, and how to help yourself move forward. If anything, surviving a heartbreak during a global health crisis can only make me stronger. And if I’m being honest, this is an emotional torture for me. Ironically, the uncertainty of it all led to a certain event in my life.
Through it all, I stand by self-love. I’ve been selfish for most of my life, because I felt like I have to protect myself and guard my heart. I built my self-esteem and self-confidence so that when shit happens, I can rely on myself. I’ve loved myself for the longest time in order for me to not break so easily when anyone tries to. Don’t get me wrong, — I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, but not too much. Self-love is knowing your worth and holding on to it. Self-love is letting yourself hurt while in the process of healing. Self-love is acknowledging that no one else can love you as much as you love yourself. Self-love is being selfish and being selfless at the same time. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve been selfless. I let him be. Without me.
I’m tired, but aren’t we all? I’m heartbroken, but I can’t make it all about me. Not for very much longer, at least. There are people who are dying because of the virus, because of poverty, because of hunger. There are frontliners who are sacrificing themselves every single day to help be of service to us. My heartbreak, too, shall pass. But for now, the virus isn’t gonna kill itself. We need to support and cheer for those who are fighting for their lives.
If all else fails, drink lots of water and get some sleep. We all need it.
Love and light,